There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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