I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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