i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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