"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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