You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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