I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
