You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
