Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
