I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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