I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
