the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
