dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
