and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
