I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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