my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
