Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
