Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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