Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
