and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize