Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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