Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
