I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
