i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He uses pillows to masturbate.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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