If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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