I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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