Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize