what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
