The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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