My sheets look like a crime scene.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
