I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
