you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
