so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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