i don't like sucking hair
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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