1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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