I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize