Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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