She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
