every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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