I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
