I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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