3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
