omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
