Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
