Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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