I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
