I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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