she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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