Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She's not a foreskin expert like you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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