I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
