we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
