Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
