I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
