Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
