just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
