My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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