Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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