I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She even gives head with a lisp.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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