Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize