My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
