Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm like, not good at living.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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